Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
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This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?