Barber pointed out my new gray hairs and said I looked refined. I hope someone tells him the key marks on his car looks like racing stripes.
Men can read maps better than women. Cause only the male mind could conceive of one inch equalling a hundred miles.
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I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
I went into Whole Foods tonight and yelled, “Somebody’s Labradoodle just jumped out of a parked Subaru!” and everyone ran out.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
In hell all the ball pits are filled with legos.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?