Men can read maps better than women. Cause only the male mind could conceive of one inch equalling a hundred miles.

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Barber pointed out my new gray hairs and said I looked refined. I hope someone tells him the key marks on his car looks like racing stripes.


I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.


I went into Whole Foods tonight and yelled, “Somebody’s Labradoodle just jumped out of a parked Subaru!” and everyone ran out.


Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.


Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.

Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.

George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*

George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?


Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.


This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”


On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’

How self-absorbed are you?


How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?