Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
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What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.