Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
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Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house