Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
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I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
scares
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.