“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
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Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*widow rolls eyes*
I’m getting worried about this Ebola virus.
I mean, I’ve got Norton but.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Hot dogs: $20
Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men