Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
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90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.