@MoistPork: Men: Don't lie to your woman, she'll catch you. Don't tell her the truth, she'll be pissed. Just pray for a brick to fall on your head.
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@trevso_electric: The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson's daughter.
@CornOnTheGoblin: [starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen] date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
@ZiziFothSi: Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
@partlyfunny: I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.