[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
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[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up