Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
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[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.