Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
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I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
craving $300 all of a sudden
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.