[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
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Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings