Men fear me and women want me in the shower, both because of the lice

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If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it


I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra

It was a boobie trap


The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.


Judge: I’d like to call recess.

Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!

Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.


Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween. I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.


[First date]

Her: I love to travel.

Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.


My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.


All I want, every day, is to find a derelict spaceship, develop abnormal symptoms & then tell no one.


Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this


In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.