🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Men fear me and women want me in the shower, both because of the lice
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Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsense
me: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: no
me: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
This is savage.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Cow: I mean – moo
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys