@Hobo_Splendido

Men fear me and women want me in the shower, both because of the lice

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@Bexdora

Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.

@parilani

[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsense

me: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: no

me: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT

@MomofTeen

Do not worry.

I will take your secrets to my grave.

But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.

@ChicksRule

[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo

@Dawn_M_

If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.

@heyevergreen

Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.

@TheSharona06

My mother is displeased with me.

In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.