@NikatNiteNite

Men go to bars for 2 reasons:

1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.

2) They have a wife to go home to.

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@silvertongue37

My ex wife recently told me I run away from my problems.

Apparently not far enough.

@leechee420

I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.

Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?

Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.

@envydatropic

75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them

And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy

@djdarrellripley

Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!

Me: That’s a pretty good trade…

@kyle_thatisall

How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk

@PetrickSara

Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.

@tyrannees

The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.

@jrogasm

I’ve been on a diet for a month and I’ve lost exactly 4 weeks.