Men go to bars for 2 reasons:

1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.

2) They have a wife to go home to.

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My ex wife recently told me I run away from my problems.

Apparently not far enough.


I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.

Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?

Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.


75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them

And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy


Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!

Me: That’s a pretty good trade…


How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk


Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.


The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.


I’ve been on a diet for a month and I’ve lost exactly 4 weeks.