Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
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“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff