wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
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Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again