If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T shirts and jeans
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You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
ENGINEER: and this baby will do zero to sixty in less than three seconds
ME [admiring the infant catapult]: *nods* very impressive
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley