Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
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I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant