Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T shirts and jeans

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If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.


You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.


People who carry their dogs around,

You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs


“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
– “Chemical Bond?”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”


Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!


Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?

Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here


ENGINEER: and this baby will do zero to sixty in less than three seconds

ME [admiring the infant catapult]: *nods* very impressive


If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley