Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
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Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Me trying to look natural in photos