Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
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Netflix and scream at our children?!
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Haha! 😂
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.