I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
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I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
I’m about to risk it all
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
I lost my job today
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups