@roxiqt

Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.

You Might Also Like

@spicy_peen

How do people in the movies dig 6-foot deep graves with a shovel? I got tired digging a hole to plant a bush

@EllaZee5

The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.

@justokpanda

When two socks puppets really care for each other, it’s not just sox, they make glove

@BoogTweets

Psychologist: what is the issue

Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.

Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*

@Book_Krazy

*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*

@NrouteHQ

*downloading the new earthquake warning app*

*setting to vibrate mode*

@RunOldMan

Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.

@tiffistrying

my body: please, eat something green

me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*

@JennyJohnsonHi5

My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.

@Di0nysus7

He asked what I like in bed so I was honest:

1. My dog
2. iPhone
3. Blankets fresh from the dryer
4. Take out