How do people in the movies dig 6-foot deep graves with a shovel? I got tired digging a hole to plant a bush
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
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The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
When two socks puppets really care for each other, it’s not just sox, they make glove
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
He asked what I like in bed so I was honest:
1. My dog
3. Blankets fresh from the dryer
4. Take out