Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Men love when you kiss their neck..
Just not when they’re driving
And you’re in the backseat.
And they don’t know you.
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One time I asked, “What would Jesus do?”. That’s the same day I almost drowned.
Well played Pepsi.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
5 steps to a happy marriage:
4. Mr. Noodles
5. Oops this is my grocery list.
6. Still applicable.
8:I like cheese!
Me:I like cheese more.
8:No! I like cheese more! I love cheese!
Me:You don’t know what you’re getting into here.
Sometimes I miss my real friends and then I think, screw them, they don’t even star my tweets.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Backseat drivers are the worst. They’re always like “the light is red!” and “don’t text and drive!” and “oh god, I think that was a person!”