CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
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My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.