Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
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During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Word!
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Got ya covered
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.