men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
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“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?