men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner

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I left some avocado toast out on the front porch and in the morning I’d caught three millennials. Paid off their student loans and released them back into the wild. Good kids.


You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.


I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…

For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…


Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.

-me getting pulled over


meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat


No. YOU misunderstood. I said I’ve been doing this for awhile. I never said I was any good at it.


[first date]

me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes


What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise