men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
You Might Also Like
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?