Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
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Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture