@xtina_catherine

Men only want one thing and it’s to open both windows so we can get a cross-breeze going

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@Wanderlust6190

I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.

@ruinedpicnic

(climbing out of my coffin) I’m sure you all have a lot of questions, but firstly the reason I faked my death is-
[nobody is at my funeral]

@OhNoSheTwitnt

A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.

@68Cly29

Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges

@80want

inexplicably call ur boss “shortpants” until he gets insecure & buys pants that are longer. dont stop til he looks like a kid in dad clothes

@robdelaney

“Bartender, see that brunette at the end of the bar? I’d like you to bring her a slice of your finest ham.”

@huntigula

SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin

@jazz_inmypants

[high school reunion]

girl i had a major crush on: so what have you been up to?

me: oh you know just the usual astronaut stuff

girl: oh i–

me: hang on i need to take this *holding phone upside down* hi nasa. yes yes the moon. and planets, yes. not pluto tho haha. k luv u bye

@TheAlexNevil

I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.