Men only want one thing and it’s to open both windows so we can get a cross-breeze going

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I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.


(climbing out of my coffin) I’m sure you all have a lot of questions, but firstly the reason I faked my death is-
[nobody is at my funeral]


A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.


Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges


inexplicably call ur boss “shortpants” until he gets insecure & buys pants that are longer. dont stop til he looks like a kid in dad clothes


“Bartender, see that brunette at the end of the bar? I’d like you to bring her a slice of your finest ham.”


SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin


[high school reunion]

girl i had a major crush on: so what have you been up to?

me: oh you know just the usual astronaut stuff

girl: oh i–

me: hang on i need to take this *holding phone upside down* hi nasa. yes yes the moon. and planets, yes. not pluto tho haha. k luv u bye


I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.