Men only want one thing and it’s to open both windows so we can get a cross-breeze going

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Him: ima call you at 11

Me at 11:01: all men do is lie


Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots

Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary


Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.

Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?


4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.


Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.


the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”


‘When I go to the bathroom at work and someone follows me in’
Doctor: I meant is there anything worrying you, physically


[being murdered]

Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?