He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
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This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything