Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
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A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
All food is good if you spell it wrong
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy