@Ruth_A_Buzzi

Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.

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@MomofTeen

Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”

@PhuckinCody

*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.

*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?

@DaddyJew

7: I didn’t do my homework

Me: why not?

7: they told us to write about the new president

Me: so?

7: you told me not to cuss

@MartaEffing

Her: omg, I’m SO happy for you!
Me:
*shaking head*
No, no, no… I said I got ‘enraged’, today. Not ‘engaged’.

@lilgapeach30

Stepped on an action figure in the shower and simultaneously invented six new cuss words in four different languages.

@Reverend_Scott

The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.

@RamblingMachine

My Mother asked me to suggest names for my brother’s prospective children. I said I’ll name the girl ‘Denise’ and the boy ‘Denephew’.

@generaldietz

Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?

Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.