Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.

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Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”


*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.

*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?


7: I didn’t do my homework

Me: why not?

7: they told us to write about the new president

Me: so?

7: you told me not to cuss


Her: omg, I’m SO happy for you!
*shaking head*
No, no, no… I said I got ‘enraged’, today. Not ‘engaged’.


Stepped on an action figure in the shower and simultaneously invented six new cuss words in four different languages.


The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.


My Mother asked me to suggest names for my brother’s prospective children. I said I’ll name the girl ‘Denise’ and the boy ‘Denephew’.


Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?

Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.