Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
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*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.