My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
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He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.