Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft

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Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!

Me: Nothing in the second?

Her: No, I skipped a period.




A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.


Give me coffee to change the things i can change and wine to accept the things i can’t.


Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?

Me: It’s at 7.

H: Oh, I was close.

Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.


Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.


Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.


Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”

Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*


my mom: you need to call and make that appointment yourself
me: actually i’m okay. i really only need one good ankle


I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.


Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”