Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
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I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?