@mcclure111

Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft

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@PopeAwesomeXIII

Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!

Me: Nothing in the second?

Her: No, I skipped a period.

Me:

Her:

@JasonLastname

A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.

@divatulips

Give me coffee to change the things i can change and wine to accept the things i can’t.

@mommajessiec

Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?

Me: It’s at 7.

H: Oh, I was close.

Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.

@JohnHilsen

Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.

@mejustbeth

Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.

@EndhooS

Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”

Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*

@ryanyeetz

my mom: you need to call and make that appointment yourself
me: actually i’m okay. i really only need one good ankle

@HarryRamble

I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.

@envydatropic

Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”