Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
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“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine