Men: The Only creature blessed with the superpowers to make Any machine a smoke machine in kitchen especially when his wife isn’t home.

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HER:I love Tolstoy’s take on the human moral struggle
ME:*Trying to impress* See I prefer Tolstoyee 3 where Woody was in the trash compactor


Wife: What’s going on?

Me: Updog

Wife: Oh not that joke again

Me: Just say it!

Wife: Fine, what’s updog?

Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house

Wife: Holy shit


*Husband forgets to close screen on door*

*4 hrs later*

Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*


The difference between kids waking you up and an alarm clock, is that you can throw the alarm across the room


I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.


I can’t help but feel that if Mario hadn’t been taking so many mushrooms he would have found the right castle rather quickly..


Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.


I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.


You are what your parents ate too..I’m part black licorice..part hot dog.