@TampaBayMomma

Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.

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@thetobbie

Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…

@TomHerringbone

I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?

@MarcusTheToken

Ok I just started watching House M.D.:nn1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?n2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?

@sofarrsogud

*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.

@iwearaonesie

9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this

@RealBobMortimer

When does the jogging end… surely they must be getting close to declaring a winner

@MavenofHonor

I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date

@djdarrellripley

Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.

@abysmalkittybee

I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.