Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.

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Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…


I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?


Ok I just started watching House M.D.:nn1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?n2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?


*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.


9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this


When does the jogging end… surely they must be getting close to declaring a winner


I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date


Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.


I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.