If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
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Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.