@sarcasm_inc

Men used to slay dragons, and here I am shuffling around like a penguin with my pants around my ankles looking for extra toilet paper.

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@LeBearGirdle

Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?

NASA: have you ever built a space ship?

Reporter: well no bu-

NASA: it’s really hard

@megancollins

Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead

@MissHavisham

5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.

@juliussharpe

Cologne – because people shouldn’t have a choice whether or not they want to smell you.

@KizerBillhelm

As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.

@Eden_Eats

The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.

@fro_vo

Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again