Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
Men used to slay dragons, and here I am shuffling around like a penguin with my pants around my ankles looking for extra toilet paper.
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Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Cologne – because people shouldn’t have a choice whether or not they want to smell you.
the simulation is moving too fast
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again