“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
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I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”