@DarthPutinKGB

Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.

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@Scdavis24

That moment when you spell a word so wrong that even auto correct is like….

‘I’ve got nothing man.’

@malt_skull

[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up

@PowKapowBoom

My cat is stuck in a Cheeto bag and I’m really pissed that I didn’t think of that first.

@HenpeckedHal

son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know

[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]

@Tmoney68

Ladies, if he tells you he’s 6 feet & 4 inches, be sure those aren’t two separate measurements.

@seamussaid

this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin

@funflaps

CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!

ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.

EXCALIBUR: Ok

@OtherDanOBrien

ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors