@DarthPutinKGB

Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.

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@jjax44

It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.

@Akinjoshua2017

When nobody volunteers to present and the teacher says they’re going to start picking at random

@mrtruthandsoul

[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.

@Jamie1947

Kanye on the beach, by the water, holding two large conch shells up to either ear.
“That’s incredible”, he says
“When did I record this?”

@mynameisntdave

I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.

@ClichedOut

Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy

Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here

@iwearaonesie

*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*

@DaddyJew

Me: stop playing with your food

Son: if you didnt want me to play with my food then why did you get me dinosaur chicken nuggets?

M: touch?

@CanadianBeave13

Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.

Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.

Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?