Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
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Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger