Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
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At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no