Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
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10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’