For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
men: women are very hard to read
women: actually, we just want-
men: such complex creatures
women: if u just liste-
men: so mysterious
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mob boss: i need u take out the rat
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Everyone has their favorite bedroom toys that make them feel good.
Mine is my back scratcher.
Just saw a redhead break his arm. #GingerSnap
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.