@ugh

men: women are very hard to read
women: actually, we just want-
men: such complex creatures
women: if u just liste-
men: so mysterious

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@Steelers1972

For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.

@FU_TangClan

mob boss: i need u take out the rat

[later]

rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for

me: yes it was

rat: what

@PaperWash

[god creating seahorses]

angel: any more ideas for animals?

god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim

@mommajessiec

Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?

Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.

@BuckyIsotope

*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous

@Mechaniz10

Everyone has their favorite bedroom toys that make them feel good.

Mine is my back scratcher.

@SadPeruna

Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.

@AlanFelyk

I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.

@WheelTod

I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.