@mrtruthandsoul

Menage a trois?! I haven’t even successfully split a Kit-Kat three-ways

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@TwatWaffler69

Wife: “they’re disgusting, they carry diseases, they eat garbage!”

Me: are we talking about your parents, raccoons, or the kids?

@SeanLowe09

I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.

@tastefactory

*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh

@Matt_The_1st

Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago

@DothTheDoth

If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.

@therealeatwood

ME: [spraying hose to make a rainbow over a bear trap]
WIFE: stop trying to trap a leprechaun
ME: I really want a pot of gold or some cereal

@LeBearGirdle

[America’s Got Talent]

Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?

Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time

@Taryn_

Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is you’re a dumb ass and you make poor decisions.