GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
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I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
sigh
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.