MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
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By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys