My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
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I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
HOW DARE YOU
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.