gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
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Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.