@SatansTongue

*Meninist meeting*
WOMEN ARE EVIL-
*phone rings*
Uhh just a second…
*picks up phone*
Mom not while I’m doing my club! Yes, pizza tonight.

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@mommajessiec

[at doctor’s office]

Nurse: You may get undressed now.

Me: [rips off tear away pants]

Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.

@Mr_Kapowski

Note to self: If using the sheet from my bed to be a ghost next Halloween, avoid parties with blacklights at all costs

@Rollmaninoz

Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.

Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!

@mom_ontherocks

I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home

@froghammer

People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.

@MariyaAlexander

My roommate made me a copy of the mail key as if she’s ever seen me pay a bill

@MrEd_EVH

*runs into long lost friend*

Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?

Me- I disappoint people

@XplodingUnicorn

I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.

@SaltyCorpse

My mom just text me she made hash browns out of cauliflower.

How do we dissolve her parental rights?