*Meninist meeting*
*phone rings*
Uhh just a second…
*picks up phone*
Mom not while I’m doing my club! Yes, pizza tonight.

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[at doctor’s office]

Nurse: You may get undressed now.

Me: [rips off tear away pants]

Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.


Note to self: If using the sheet from my bed to be a ghost next Halloween, avoid parties with blacklights at all costs


Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.

Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!


I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home


People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.


My roommate made me a copy of the mail key as if she’s ever seen me pay a bill


*runs into long lost friend*

Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?

Me- I disappoint people


I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.


My mom just text me she made hash browns out of cauliflower.

How do we dissolve her parental rights?