@shutupmikeginn: Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
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@BoogTweets: Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me* [hours later] Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
@sophielou: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It's because you are feeding them bread Karen.
@Reverend_Scott: Cop: Why were you speeding? Me: SHE'S IN LABOR! Cop: That's a beach ball in a wig. Me: Cop: Me: I don't think I'm the father. Cop: Get out.