me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
You Might Also Like
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?