Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
You Might Also Like
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Bartenders are just boneless bars
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Matt Goss
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?