Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”

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Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.


Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.


A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.


[creation of insects]

LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die


Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this


*puts on satin, full length pajamas for men, slips into bed* yes… time to text some girls the word ‘hey’ and only the word ‘hey’


Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible

Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too