Menstrual cycles also need to be suspended until this ordeal is over.

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When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.

That’s more my speed.


If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.


KID: daddy how are idiots made

ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…


People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!


I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.


George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.




*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*

ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}


I like my women so intelligent that it takes me days to realize I was insulted.


I just hate when these girls take selfies on road specially when i am peeing in the background.


*opens instagram*

yep, everyone’s life is still better than mine

*closes instagram*

*opens twitter*

ah yes. my fellow trash bretheren.