My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
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At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
BaD BoY!!
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.