@KimberlyNFoster

Menstrual cycles also need to be suspended until this ordeal is over.

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@ComicsHey

instagram: wow, everyone is way more put together than i thought

twitter: wow, everyone is way more fucked up than i thought

facebook: wow, grandad is way more racist than i thought

@aishaismad

American: COVID19 is super scary

European: Yes

American: Isn’t it crazy how expensive the test is?

European: What?

American: And that I have to go to work even if I’m sick?

European: Huh?

American: And don’t even get me started on quarantine co-pays

European: Co-what???

@salamingia

Wanna burn fat quickly and without dieting?

Here, take this gasoline and matches.

@Reverend_Scott

[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.

“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”

OH COME ON

@ArfMeasures

GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational

ANGEL: ok cool

GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol

@LovelyFilters

relationship status:

[ ] single

[ ] taken

[X] waiting for the spaceship to return

@robfee

Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic

@iwearaonesie

wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?