mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
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Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
The theme park we’re going to in the morning has free unlimited soft drinks. So if my calculations are correct, the kids will have diabetes by 1 pm.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”