mentally somewhere in italy
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[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
*offers Batman cough drops*
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Don’t we all.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done