@etherealdior

mentally somewhere in italy

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@dril

ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog

@BoogTweets

Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying

@runawaycupcake

Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.

@xLiserx

Rambo: First Blood (1982)- After the onset of his first period, Rambo struggles with the emotional roller coaster of becoming a woman.

@CrockettForReal

Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—

My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us

@BillMc7

Seems like Hello Kitty should be a brand of condoms.

@LackOfShame

*Goes to bathroom

*Reaches down to unzip

*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours

*Starts wearing underwear

@Social_Mime

My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.

@RobDenBleyker

In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.

@OllyiConic

waiter: do you have any questions about the menu

me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats