Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
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my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Perfection.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning