[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
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Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Chicago sounds lovely.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
worst…sale…ever
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat