@KandyKoehn

me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth

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@BabouDali

FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend

@JuiceTooWayvie

Bro i hate when babies start acting brand new like mf it’s me, i just saw you last week and we were best friends don’t do this to me

@RidiculousSheri

I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.

@wolfpupy

jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget

@jake_likes_naps

*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*

@tastefactory

[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*

@FatherWithTwins

I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.

@sharpular

I’m outside Costco and only need a few things.
*one hour later*
I wonder if this piano will fit in my new helicopter.

@mchooyah

Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.