me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
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Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.