Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
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NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
*seductively eats two tums*