*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
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cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Wives all up in arms about their husband’s leaving or cheating and I’m all, hush now sweetie, SEE THE GIFT YOU’RE BEING GIVEN.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
My dog is such a narcissist she’ll only fetch selfie sticks.
In Japan, they are celebrating their position as the most educated country in the world.
Here in America it’s National Cheeseburger Day.
Hahaha stupid person… When it says 55mph it really means 64mph………Idiot turtle person
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
When does CPR become necrophilia?