@flashember

Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU

You Might Also Like

@stuckinaportal

*army rises out of ball pit*

dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?

[they point to bob]

dark lord: you the man, bob

@WhaJoTalkinBout

cashier: paper or plastic

me: it’s a debit card

cashier: no for your milk

me: oh haha liquid’s fine

@MsSkaarsgard

Wives all up in arms about their husband’s leaving or cheating and I’m all, hush now sweetie, SEE THE GIFT YOU’RE BEING GIVEN.

@slimmy_shady

This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister

@andylassner

In Japan, they are celebrating their position as the most educated country in the world.

Here in America it’s National Cheeseburger Day.

@GirlRestrained

Hahaha stupid person… When it says 55mph it really means 64mph………Idiot turtle person

@zebrasyndicate

*I come home with an empty stroller*

WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?

ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle

WIFE:

ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK

@BadJordon

Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.